Maid in Taiwan

An email, word for word, that I just sent to my boyfriend who has been back Stateside for the holidays and who will be arriving back in Taipei tomorrow night… and the reason I’m reattempting being a semi-faithful blogger:

To: myhotmancandy@gmail.com

Subject: The millionth email of the past 2 weeks

Hi dahling,

Main reason for this email: I assume you’ll get this before you get on planes, so I think it’d be wise for you to buy scotch at duty free when you get into Taipei.

A side note and probably why I should take most of the emails I write you and turn them into a blog post instead because you probably don’t give a fuck and I’m doing this mostly to make myself feel better - which is why blogging is a thing, so single girls can talk about themselves trying to prove that somebody cares. Lucky for me, I have a boyfriend whom I can annoy and who is forced to feign interest!:

I’m trying to work up the energy and desire  to go watch those damn fireworks. I just got all purdied up, nails and fake lashes at the whole 9. It’s not working. Probably gonna punk out on 2012. Combo of some factors:

a. I hate New Years anyway. Which is why I get drunk with my best friend every year… in Ohio.

b. There will be A BAZILLION people everywhere. And if I drink things, it’ll be okay to wander and watch. Buuuuut I WILL get lost. And no one will save me. And I will die.

c. I’m tired and I’m REALLY good at being a pathetic single woman. Like, shitty sitcom good. [Not real-life good, because all those women are fat.]

d. I’ve decided that you and I are going to have Festivus when you get back. Which, in my mind, means a lot of glögg, a lot of wine, some baking, looking really attractive, a bit of champagne, and a lot of cuddling. And isn’t that what the holidays are all about, Charlie Brown?




…really should just start blogging.
Love you.
Safe travels, mon coeur.

In Taipei I teach at an English, American-style “kindergarten.” I use quotation marks because kindergartens encompass what Americans would consider pre-K through 1st grade; namely, the kids range from 3 to 6 or 7 years old and are grouped in classes based on both age and ability. My class is mainly 4 year olds, and as much as I take my job seriously, I can’t help but also find them terribly amusing.

Take Agnes, for example. At 3 years old, she is my youngest student; but she is also the smartest and cutest. Teachers are supposedly not supposed to have favorites, but that’s bullshit. They all do. And Agnes is mine. In reports home to parents I write, “Agnes continues to be an excellent student and is a pleasure to have in class,” and I’m always tempted to continue on to say, “Though she is doing extremely well at this school, I recommend you remove Agnes from the program if you want to keep your child because I want to steal her.”

Speaking of Agnes, I will get to the main reason I decided to write this: English names chosen by the Taiwanese. Most Taiwanese (and Chinese, really) have both a Chinese and English name either chosen by their parents or, worse, by themselves. Something about the language/cultural barrier leads to the most interesting selections. From what I’ve observed, the names chosen are terribly old-fashioned or absolutely ridiculous.

The Old Fogies:
In the kindergarten there we have an Agnes, a Peggy, a couple Vivians, a few Belitas, a few Doras, an Arvin, a Dennis, a Calvin, a Rita, a couple Jeans, a Connie, etc.

Names Better Suited as Last Names:
Eason, Osborn, Johnson

Names Better Suited for Strippers:
Kitty, Candy, Cherry

Names That Sound like Celebrities’ babies/Absurdities:
In my class of 10 there are a few winners: Apple, MoMo, Penna, (female) and Wish (male). We have Sky, Yuki, Matita, Mier, Cupie, and, my favorite, Pond.

Aaaand these are only the kids I’m familiar with in my school. I’ll continue the list and update as needed.

Around the Taipei 101 area (and near my apartment), there is a hiking trail up Elephant Mountain. Out of the Four Beasts Mountains (the others being Tiger, Leopard, and Lion), it is known for having the best views of the city lights and, of course, Taipei 101. Hence all the people with their tricked out cameras.

Brendan and I hiked up for the first time last evening (08.04.11) for sunset. As you can see, the view is breathtaking.

For an added bonus: as the evening wore on, the cooler temperature at the peak of the mountain was a welcomed relief from the usual heat of the Taiwanese summer.

P.S. Crystalfilm by Little Dragon

Something interesting I’ve noticed in my month in Taiwan: Girls’ eye makeup. A big portion of young, trendy Taiwanese ladies (mostly teens to young adults) pile on as much makeup – even during the day – as the fiercest drag queen. It’s debatable whether the false eyelashes or the circle contact lenses are more popular; but it’s certain that both are rather striking.

First, let’s tackle false eyelashes.

They come in all shapes and sizes and can be found basically in any store with a beauty-products section.  I bought a 12-pack at a shop at the Lingjiang night market for 199 NT (roughly 7 USD).  Perhaps I’ll dedicate a post to my own attempt at making myself up in the style of chic Taiwanese ladies.  

Next: circle contact lenses.

First invented in Korea (so claims Wikipedia), these contacts make the iris of the eye appear larger and more “dolly”-like… hence a common term “dolly eyes.” They’re hugely popular in Korea, Japan, and, of course, Taiwan. I think these circle lenses look pretty damn bizarre in person. I also find it bizarre that when you enter the search term “dolly eyes” into google images, you get pictures not of dolls’ eyes, as one may expect, but instead of Asian girls with big ole eyes.

To get what I’m talking about – take a look at these videos of a Taiwanese television show to see the incredible amount of makeup that a lot of girls sport, as well as the incredible difference it makes in their appearance. (Not to mention how mean the hosts of the show are.)

A short version: 

A longer clip:

Honey toast. It’s a little hard to give a good definition, but let me begin by saying that the concept of “toast” is a little different for Mandarin speakers. They learn that “toast” is what bread becomes after it is sliced, rather than after it is toasted; so a plain slice of un-toasted bread is still called “toast.”

On to honey toast. I think it is of Japanese origin, but don’t quote me on that. You take maybe a half-loaf of bread, hollow it so that it resembles a cube with one side missing, and fill it with slices of bread approximately the size of french toast sticks. Then pour honey on it and top it with ice cream and voila! You have a delectable dessert.

This past weekend my boyfriend and I went to Taipei’s most famous spot for honey toast, Dazzling Café. Here’s a picture of the honey toast section of the menu:

Looks extravagant. And it was. As I said, Taipei’s most popular spot for this dessert… so when Brendan (boyfriend) and I moseyed in at about 2:00 p.m. on a Saturday, we were met with a 3 hour wait. Yikes. We give a phone number and get a numbered ticket as though we were in a queue for the deli; then go on with our day and return at 5:15 p.m. and are met with another 1/2 hour wait. Seems ridiculous, but luckily the area where the cafe is located is full of trendy boutiques and trendy Taiwanese youths; so popping into air-conditioned shops for a some relief from the heat and people watching kept us busy.

Finally we are seated and order some coffee beverages. Which were as delicious as they look:

Choosing a honey toast was quite the challenge. Especially because You were choosing basically based on pictures… and they all looked phenomenal. We decided on the “Mont Blanc” because our adorable waitress (who, as were all of the waitresses, was wearing a froofy little French-style white apron) recommended it, saying in Chingrish, “It is good. And. It is French so.” 

After the honey toast is served, the waitress cuts off a side so that you can dig in. And dig in we did. The only disappointing aspect of this trip is that I want to try every kind now. Luckily, I have an entire year to do so. Om om om.

p.s. Check out this youtube video to get a better sense:

(Above: a shot of Taipei’s artsy way to display its benefactors in the foreground, with Taipei 101 in the background)

I arrived in Taipei in late Friday evening (08 July 2011) and bused into the city center from the airport. Even at 23:00, it was still about 83 Fahrenheit and sticky with humidity. Hello, subtropics.

After some tourism, walking around, and getting familiarized with the MRT (transit system) on Saturday, I realize that I’m going to need a lot more “Taipei 101”, to make a terrible pun, to orient (no pun intended) myself with my new hometown. I expected to basically be illiterate upon arrival, and I was on target. The ubiquity of 7-Elevens is comforting, but I’m overwhelmed by the street signs and nearly all else written in Chinese characters or pinyin. To acquaint myself with the city, I need a lot more walking around and getting lost… and a damn good map.